beas kund 0001

Straight roads going Xris Xros!!!! :).....

She was sitting in a coffee shop near the sea side. There was cool breeze coming from the sea. She had ordered latte her usual but today was not a usual day, she should have ordered black coffee. She needs all the caffeine to make her feel strong and confident. It all depends on how she put forward her case. She has the capability she told herself. She can do it. Everything is going to go the way she wants it. She will make it happen. Easy said than done she thought to herself with a little smile.

Here comes her latte, and with it comes her subject of confusion. She was seeing him after a gap of a year. He was somebody who she wanted to know better but somehow the distances have grown between them. He was the one who has been in her dreams for long, she sometimes think that he has become her obsession. She was getting fed up of the way her brain and her heart was working. She had never thought she would be in such a situation.

So one night after a really intimate dream where the hero of the dream looked a lot like the man sitting in front of her she had reached a decision. She had decided that it’s time to take action. This has to go forward and in a positive way. She has to overcome her fear and see what the future has in-store for her, maybe there is a rainbow in her horizon but she will never know until she get wet in the rain. She had been avoiding it for long, everyday she makes a decision and everyday she finds an excuse to postpone it but not today. She will do it and do it with flair she thought and anyways why the hell should she not do it. It's for his benefit too. He will never find anybody who will be that crazy. She can make him see the light can't she, yeah right comes a voice from her inside saying 'once you see the light'. Enough! She shouts to her conscience, major problem of having a super sensitive conscience is that you keep thinking to yourself and making a molehill out of nothing. This has to stop, she is thinking too much and that is causing an adverse effect in her mind. She now knows what is wrong with her, after watching a movie she has realised that she too has a Meena Kumari complex and it can't go away until she tell this to her Matru.

Meanwhile she realizes that her Matru is sitting there with a look of somebody who is wondering what to do with the crazy woman sitting in front of her; well we will tell him what crazy is she thinks to herself. She has a reputation to keep after all.

So she asks him what is going in his mind right now. Why is he not saying something, why is he not talking to her, why is he not ordering something for himself, why is he sitting on that chair, why is he not sitting on this chair? Anything to postpone the real thing she thinks. He is answering all her stupid questions but what to do when her mind is not working to ask an intelligent question. That's the problem, her mind stops working when she is with him and her heart goes in an overdrive around him. She has heard many people say that women are good at multi tasking but she thinks that with her it’s either heart or mind at a time, especially when she is with him. She prides herself on her intelligence but when she is with him she prides herself on her stupidity. 

Well whatever, she thinks it’s all just the way it is and she can't help it and she has stopped bothering about it. She heard him ask her why she had called him here. Well what to tell him? Tell him, tell him, tell him..... "Well I called you to tell you"... She says... "Well hmmm it’s like I want to like... Ohh here is your coffee" uff she is hopeless. Anyways let's try again," well I called you here 'cause I want you to say something to me". when did that happen? she wanted him to say something to her?   "What? "He asks Well she herself don't know what. “Well it’s like I think this is well may be we should like you and me maybe you should ask me out for a movie? “She said, damn where did that come from she thinks, she doesn't want to go for a movie. Well how can she make  his thick skull see what she wants. Other guys just get it in one hi but he just don't get it or may be just don't want to see. Well what to do? Ok here is the thing may be she should just spill it out. Ok fine... " Oh not the movie, Actually i wanted to ask you something, I wanted to ask you well i wanted it may sound a little weird and may be a little scandalous but i think you should know that i really want you......" she says feeling triumphant and looks at him to see his reaction and after seeing all confusion on his face couldn't stop herself from adding further " to go somewhere with me" coward she thought to herself. " Where" he asks, being all confused. “Well will you come with me to, to ummm, well to my, i mean for an evening to the umm ......................my ........... Dentist" she says finally. Damn, Damn and Damn...where did the dentist come from??? This is pathetic.... I just cant do it, she says Well there is always tomorrow she thinks to herself being ultra optimistic. Tomorrow for sure :)..

Restlessness

I saw you walking down the road, after ages, I know you wouldn't even recognize me but just seeing you brought all the memories back for me. The way you used to smile at my jokes, the way you used to make me feel in your arms, the way you used to make a cup of tea in the morning and wake me up with your beautiful smile, the way we used to fight for TV, the way you used to mumble when you were nervous.

I still remember that night which brought an end to this beautiful dream, when I came home early and saw you lying on the sofa with a beautiful smile, I was so happy to see you home early and was about to call to you when I realized that the smile was not for me but for someone in the kitchen. So you have invited your friends over and you forgot to tell me, you will pay for this at night I think to myself playfully. But the friend turns from the kitchen table and then I realised who the smile was for. She was stunning but my eyes could only see you smiling at her and not me.

Then I realized the true meaning of hurt. I felt like everything was spinning around me, the whole scene repeating in front of my eyes. The way you looked at her when she turned to look at you from the kitchen where I used to make dinner for you. The way you smiled at her the way you used to smile at me, the way you sat with her on the sofa as you used to sit with me. I was seeing someone else at my place. I just couldn't face the scene and ran back out the door to safety. I was not ready to face something like that.

I thought to myself that may be I was dreaming, maybe it was just a friendly gesture. I am making a lot out of nothing. I just told myself to react normally, I went in at my usual time and you turned to me with the same beautiful smile, but to me something was missing. It was the same smile as you don't know that I know but my mind had started playing games. You were the same to me, caring, loving, and playful but I was not the same. Those 5 min has made me a different person. Even if I want to I couldn't behave the same way. I just kept seeing her at my place. And slowly we started drifting apart.

Now I can’t help but replay the scene when I saw you with somebody else, If only I had barged in and confronted you. What if I had come inside and shouted at you. Had made you explain your actions. And why I didn't do it? 

Because I was scared, that my beautiful dream will end. So I was more in love with the dream than with you. You were my dream but my dream was not you. I was scared to accept that and I am restless now after seeing you. I walk up to you to say hello and you look at me. I was wrong that you won’t recognize me. You smiled at me, and it was the same smile. You hugged me and I could feel your heart. You were the same to me again and then I saw somebody coming behind you and that smile was gone as it was not for me anymore.